Sofa Shredding
Dear Mrs. Mulligan:
I am deeply offended and take great issue with your unfounded and libelous accusation at having destroyed your sofa. To question my integrity, a cat held in high regard, is simply scurrilous.
In the time that I have allowed myself to be cared for – after a rather long and unbecoming campaign instituted on your part – have I not proven a selfless and beneficent patron? To have my kindness repaid with slander is the mark of the truly common and has caused me to doubt both your decency and sense of fair play.
Furthermore, any learned individual with an understanding of high culture would recognize it as art. Did you think you were the only with a creative streak and the flare for the dramatic? I too have an inner soul that yearns for expression. Your condescension is both overwhelming and unbecoming of one who seeks to present an image of egalitarianism. It will no doubt lead to your undoing some day.
Need I remind you, that it was your ill conceived idea that I receive more exercise? I believe your exact words were “gelatinous mush gut” and everyone knows a gelatinous mush gut can’t very well keep up on a treadmill – now can they? But I am happy to report, a rousing workout was indeed enjoyed, though not in a manner you may appreciate! In the future, you may wish to more carefully consider your choice of words, madam.
And really, one can hardly be blamed for not recognizing it as a sofa. Most people, having a semblance of good taste would never willingly select a piece of furniture so closely resembling the color of bodily fluids.
My final words on the matter are this: You have no real proof the offending actions were mine. Allow me to remind you that you share your home with another and the damage could have easily been wrought by some rudimentary tool. If memory serves me correctly, I recall seeing a ‘fork’ bandied about on several occasions.
I assure you, if the destruction of your precious sofa was my intent, it would certainly have been accomplished with more panache.
At the closing of this letter, it is my hope to receive, within seven days, a formal apology penned by your own hand, in script, indicating both the deep extant of your regret and the manner in which you intend to restore my good name. (Please see the enclosure for a list of acceptable remedies.)
I can be found in the bedroom down the hall. Please have the letter mailed there, being sure to knock before entering as I may be resting in my favorite chair and any such disturbance would only further strain our relationship.
I trust this letter finds its way to you and appeals to a higher sense of logic than was afforded our last conversation.
Sincerely,
Little “Beanty” Guy